Breaking my heart.......joy found in pants on the ground

I was 6 years old when I decided I needed Jesus. It was not a "feel good" wonderful moment that some people  testify to....
It was painful and I have been struggling ever sense.
That is the first time I felt a pain in my chest, stomach, heart like a giant hole of pain that would never go away. 

I do not recall what my 6 year old self could have possibly wanted to keep under control so badly ......
but, this would be the first of many moments in my life where God would grab on to me and hold me until I gave up the struggle.

This is the breaking of the heart.

I keep my heart hardened.  It is much easier to keep control of a hard heart.  A broken and soft heart is out of MY control....fills it with emotion.  I am not a fan of emotion!

I know I am only struggling with myself while God patiently stands there guarding me from self inflicted danger......

O Lord, open my lips, 
and my mouth will declare your praise.
For you will not delight in sacrifice, or I would give it, 
you will not be pleased with a burnt offering.
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, 
a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.


Seriously ridiculous how I know the right thing, know the outcome, and still throw a fit!  I know that when the struggle is over, the joy will overwhelm me.  

It will be better than the joyous cheer I silently had today when, in a hurry to pee, I pulled my pants down to the ground without unbuttoning or unzipping!  YEP! the pants that usually gut me when I sit down, fell straight to the ground with one pull!  

for those of you that don't understand, that means my fat jeans are too big!

JOY!