The following is from my old blog...
A post from Christmas 2009.
My dad survived a massive heart attack in July of 2009. On Christmas Eve, he had some complications that sent him to the ER. I met him and my mother in the ER and our adventure began....
December 25, 2009
I see dead people
My dad has been admitted to the ER for an illness. Late that evening, they admit him to the hospital. A male nurse is taking us to the elevators that is just for patient transfers and staff. The hall is long and dark. The hospital is like a ghost town. The nurse pushes the button to go UP. We wait about a minute. The elevator doors open.
scene: a large elevator....a dead body covered in a red blanket......no one else.
nurse: "um.....is anyone on there?" He leans over to peer into the elevator. Mom and I lean over to peer into the elevator.
me: "is that what we think it is??"
dad: in a low growl.."I am not gettin on there with that!"
The doors close. The four of us look at each other wide-eyed. The nurse tells us to "stay put, he is going to get security".
My parents and I stand there in the dark, long, empty hall. Dad raises his eyebrows and rolls his eyes........................mom and I start laughing.
Another nurse comes around the corner with an empty wheel chair. She looks at us questioningly and asks, "um, are ya'll waiting on an elevator?" at the same time she pushes the UP button.
I tell the nurse what just happened. "WHAT??"
The door opens. Same elevator with the dead body.
Her eyes bug out. At that moment, the elevators across the hall open and two ladies in scrubs say "there she is!"....THEN another elevator opens and a security guard jumps off and runs over to the dead-body-elevator before the door closes again.
The 2 ladies in scrubs are hooting and laughing and saying "we didn't lose her we were just sent to find her.......I'm not getting on the elevator with a dead body........I'm not getting on if you're not!!" They laugh and slap and stomp their feet.
Our original nurse looks disgusted by the lack of professionalism from the 2 ladies in scrubs. The 2nd nurse with the empty wheelchair yells "you should be more afraid of the live patients!" She is also clearly frustrated with the 2 ladies.
Me: "I am so thrilled! I have never seen a dead person!"
Mom: "yes you have! Grandee was dead at his funeral." (that quote is my favorite EVER)
Me: "I mean a body that hasn't been froofed for a funeral."
We soon find out that the undertaker..............oh wait! UNDERTAKER.....another hospital employee told us that he hates the undertakers because they look like reapers!! They come in with black hats and black long coats....
We soon find out that the undertaker was transporting the body (hence the red blanket and not a hospital sheet), put the body on the elevator, started talking, doors closed and elevator with body leaves....
Our nurse apologizes for the situation and said that he had to call the securtiy guard .....to fix the situation !
I told my dad, I am sorry you are sick but this was the best Christmas EVER!!
Jack was as confused as I always was, "why are we doing this?"
Both boys knew this Santa was all wrong- slick satin suit and fancy hair/stache- definitely not the rough manly Santa that toughs it in the middle of nowhere in a barn of attitudinal deer!
Every year I would beg the mall elves "please take the picture while they are talking, not posed!" Who would sit still and stare away from the man that sneaks in your house one night a year and brings you stuff your parents can't afford?!
This year, we got an elf that thought out of the box
But then I had another problem...
"Santa said yes!"
"What did you ask him to bring you?"
"I can't tell you, but he said YES!"
Sweating. Anxiety. - the new Christmas spirit
So I followed the true genius of the mall elves-
"Quick, take the picture and get them away before they talk!"
But then my Jack needed to find out about Santa-
"Mom, Santa said he doesn't get to watch the bowl games. He is missing the LSU game, the Florida game, the...."
Jack was amused at MAX's request.
"No offense 'Santa' but we are too old for this. My mom thought it would be cute and harmless, but when we walk away she will see my friends, standing in front of a clothes store, giggling. So this will be our last year and she will have another tiny hole form in her heart for another 'mother mistake'."
Elf on the shelf did not exist when my boys were in the "wonderment" years (wink wink).
However, I have the original Elf that is older than I am! I believe he is pushing 50....
Several years ago, my elf did crazy things to get his pictures in one of my blog posts, but never has he been a tradition, until this year.
We essentially are a house of 4 fun adults, so I asked the guys if everyone wanted to play a holiday game with the elf. They agreed.
I placed the elf by the front door.
Anyone could take the elf and hide him for another member of the family to find.
The finder would take a picture and text it to the other 3 of us and then hide the elf for another member. (It has been fun to get a pic text while I am at work)
Last we gave him an appropriate Ziegenhorn name-
Here are our adventures from the last 2 weeks.
Jack was the first victim. He laid down on his bed to read and found Elfis....creepin
Then Max opened his door and found Elfis....aiming
Then I got up to get ready for work, and found Elfis......vandalizin
Then Jeff prepared for a shower and found Elfis.....prankin
Then Jeff misunderstood the game and just hid Elfis. None of us new who Elfis was after....
Then Max found Elfis in the pot he uses for lunch.....ramen
Then I found Elfis in my stash....drinkin
Then Jack came home from late night at work and found Elfis.....partyin
Then Jeff found Elfis where he charges his phone.....shockin
Jack found Elfis in his bathroom...cleanin
Elfis has NOT left the building.
When I was growing up, we only ate out on special occasions. I don't mean just sit down restaurant eating....I mean even fast food!
In fact, I always chose McDonald's for my birthday dinner. My sisters would get mad and have teased me into adulthood. It wasn't until the past few years that I guessed where their disappointment was rooted:
- a chance to eat out, and I chose McDonalds-
I didn't even eat burgers when I was young.
A 4 piece chicken nugget happy meal is how I wasted my birthday dinner choice.
Oh, but the toys were so worth it!
Growing up, Sunday's were not my particularly favorite day. I grew up in a Baptist church that featured lengthy altar calls. For a gal that had an intense focus on eating, this was complete torture. Especially since all my friends ate out every Sunday and my mom's answer to "where are we gonna eat?", was always "Trish's Kitchen.." That answer sparked the Margaret Alice Anger Fire everytime.
Not sure why I kept asking-
If the clock hit 12:30pm and the preacher was still chanting his summoning for sinners to come to the front, I would silently start my prayerful pleading chant:
"Someone PLEASE get saved so I can EAT!"
If we rounded the minutes past 12:30, I would start planning my 43rd salvation to hopefully satisfy the preacher so he would release us.
Once the guilt of nobody turning to Jesus was thrown from the pulpit, I raced to the car and then waited, with my father, for my mother to talk to everyone in our giant 500,000 member church.
Needless to say, this hangry girl was not known for her pleasant Sunday afternoon attitude.
In fact it just got worse! Because I hate meatloaf, which was most of the Sunday lunch menus.
My mom would come home, take her dress shoes off and put on houseshoe with her dress and hose, then begin cooking lunch.
The house shoes made her look funny and I always felt "itchy" at the sight of her Sunday afternoon fashion.
Today, I came home from church, and knowing that I would wear the same thing tonight for the Sunday evening Christmas concert, I slipped off my heels, put on my house shoes and started to cook lunch.
Max rounded the corner and blurted out,
"Does Santa know you aren't at the North Pole?"
Hangry MAZ shot a grumpy puzzled look...
"You look like an elf in the red tights and those.....socks"
Friday night, I made 84 "Z"s out of blue felt.
Because Max asked me to!
Every year I do someTHEME different for Christmas decorations.
One year, it was all kid decorations, one year was my huge Santa collection, one year was all the nutcracker collection, one year was all snow village.....
Last year, I was so tired and busy, I did not use our newer tree, but our first simple tree and hardly any other decorations.
It was beautiful.
This year, Max asked if we could do my simple tree AND the bigger one.
So last minute planning for a theme began at 8pm last night.
And a $30 late night trip to Target later, we were ready for:
Blue Blue Christmaszzzzz
I got up early on my only day of rest-Saturday- and began the prep.
I noted that I might not have room for an Electric Christmas....
I tried to stay calm as I moved furniture, dusted, mopped, swept, bit my tongue so it would not give a lashing, did Lamaze breathing to keep the anger at bay, and picked up atleast 2,000 nerf bullets
( I know what the boys WONT be getting in their stockings)
With MAX's creative eye and physical help, our first tree was complete!
Z for Ziegenhorn
Blue Christmas nod to Elvis
Blue lights and silver tinsel to celebrate a great Tiger Football season.....
Including the Memphis snuggie as a tree skirt!
Once Max completed his masterpiece, I began to erect my simple Christmas and surrounded it with Christmas past themes.
We only decorate the living room and dining room....
And the kitchen window- where most of time is spent washing dishes....
And Max's desk....
"If all goes well, in 25 years we could put a man on Mars."
"Oh, good! I'll still be around."
"I won't. I'm not going to live that long."
"Really? What am I going to do? I better start looking for your replacement!"
"You'll be ok. We will put you in a trailer and you can smoke a pipe."
"You know you'd love a pipe.."
He is right. I probably would.
Jeff is "fine".
He just needs to "rest" his back.
There isn't even any pain, if he isn't using it.....
Get ready for an over the top eye roll..
So boys are wondering why they have to help get him dressed and move from bed to couch.
And Sesame Street has decided to use him to demonstrate the letter "S".
Since Chef Jeff is unable to make our wonderful dinners, I was slaving in the kitchen tonight, wondering how to make the two pans of frozen pizza fit in the oven at the same time...
I overheard the end of MAX's conversation regarding signing a contract to not do drugs.
I inserted myself in the conversation, not knowing how it started or where it was going..
"Max, don't ever sign anything saying that you will NEVER do something."
Then without a beat and before I could explain my comment, Max retorted..
"Why? Did you sign something and then you had us?"
I just had a revelation!
I know you have heard this story before but....
Ok, when I was 3 or 4, a friend of the family was keeping me and my 2 sisters, while our parents were.....heck, I have no idea where they were..but it was Christmas time.
Anyway, the lady gave my sisters each a creepy doll clown with a styrofoam ball head and a brick for a body. She gave me a beautiful butterfly necklace.
I, always the genius, was furious that I did not receive the creepy clown. The sight of a pretty girl necklace lit the fire of anger in me (still have issues with this fire).
The anger started like a hot hole in my chest, spread out to the ends of my limbs and the heat raged in my face. Without warning, or logic, I ran up her stairs and jumped off the ledge into her huge family room Christmas tree. This moment has forever been a historic Margaret Alice Anger story. I have never been able to get my family (or myself) to understand WHY I chose to jump into the Christmas tree, until I saw this today, on Facebook.
I have always needed to be #1, whether it makes sense or not.....it definitely makes anger fire!