On Thursday, I hit the back of my head pretty hard. 2 days later, small bump and tender to the touch.
But that didn't kill me.
On Friday, while getting family picture made, I stepped backwards off the side of the train. My armpit and ribs wrapped around the railing, saving me from tragedy. 1 day later, sore arm and ribs, but only when I breathe.
But that didn't kill me.
Today, I let Max spin me on the tire swing.
Then I let Will and Jack spin me on the tire swing.
A physical shift of my innards flipped the MAZ stability.
4 hours later, on the road back to Memphis, Jeff had to pull off the side of the road in Bells. I left some digestion in an empty parking lot.
THAT killed me.
Luckily, I was revived at the Brownsville McDonalds with a fry and coke.
Last time I was at the same McDonalds, I was dying of a blinding migraine. I was revived with a fry and coke.
MAZ....The golden face of McDonalds.
I'm lovin it!
I just wanted garbage bags.
What I got, while I was in long checkout line:
Man in front of me: "I can't let you go in front of me."
Me: " that's ok. I am in no hurry."
Stressed man: "I know I have a cart full and you have one item, but I was here first."
Me: "I don't want in front of you. I am not in a hurry. I am good!"
Man unraveling: "where is the rule that I need to let you go first?"
Me bursting into laughter:
"Oh my word! Do you have family visiting? Chill! Nobody asked to get in front of you!"
Desperate man: "9......9 extra women in my house until Saturday."
Me: "well, I'm not one of the women torturing you, so enjoy your peace in this long line."
He took out a handkerchief, removed his glasses and wiped his face.
Ladies, give the men a gift of silence, peace and calm. Make your home a place of rest.
Guys, enjoy the long lines. An escape from family!
And everyone, let Jeff know how lucky he is to have snagged a peaceful, happy woman!
The idea excites me!
I would love to sleep by a fire under the vast, star filled sky.
I would love to watch hundreds of cattle and their behavior.
Just a few thoughts:
No creepy crawlers, at all
No bathroom needs
Not too cold
No unbearable animal smells
No unwanted animals
Can't wait for y'all to make this happen!
Thursday night I had a dream.
A CLASSIC MAZ dream.
I was in a parking lot, much like Target. I put my car in park, left it running, and hopped out leaving the driver door open.
I was in a panic because I had forgotten to put my TWO shopping carts in the cart holder. I walked about 10 feet away from the car, while pushing the 2 carts. The closest "Return Carts Here" was across the huge, mostly empty and sloping parking lot. I hated to leave my car unattended, so I aimed the carts and pushed them with all my strength. One cart perfectly parked itself in the correct area, but the other cart veered off course and took out the only few cars in the parking lot, causing major damage and car decapitation.
I looked around and nobody was watching.
I turned to run back to my car and flee the scene.....
All of a sudden.....
This tiny dog flew through the air, into the drivers side of my car, and landed on the gas pedal.
My car sped forward and became an accordion, when hitting the brick wall.
I furiously stomped like a two year old into a nearby building.
The man inside saw the whole thing. He explained to me that it was his dog, "what are the odds of him landing on your gas pedal? Crazy! That is $4,000 dollars worth of damage..."
I was mad! I was literally seeing red, red filtered vision. "You WILL pay!"
The blond "Shirley Temple style" hair guy shook his curls and calmly said,
Then as he spread out his arms to present the items in the glass case before him...
"You can have $4,000 worth of Chuck E Cheese prizes."
At this point, I realized I was in the biggest Chuck E Cheese in the world. There were no windows or doors.
In a slight panic that quickly became anger, I yelled "I don't want $4,000 worth of crappy prizes! You will pay me money!"
The loop curls swished back and forth as he quietly said "you WILL pick your prizes now"
And then I woke up.
Tonight's Christmas concert disturbances brought to you by the Armours:
When all was quiet and the little kid choir was silently focused on the director, ready to begin angelic singing......
"I KNOW IM HARD OF HEARING BUT I CANT HEAR THEM SAYING
A N Y T H I N G"
During beginning band's difficult number....
Head bobble bobble....SNORE!
eyes flutter open and he pats his knee, as if he never lost beat with the music.
All is quiet as the jazz band focuses on the director. They begin with a burst of drums.
Startled, her body shakes and she levitates out of the pew, in front of us, for a split second.
Jack and I audibly giggle, she turns her head, eyes wide with shock as she mouths....
S h I t
Our giggles turn into gasps and then laughter.
Band loudly playing.
Dad leans over me to say something in jack's ear. Jack leans back over with response.
Band stops playing as dad loudly says to jack,
Multiple texting, picture taking, posting on all social networks, and laughing at:
The trumpet that sounded like the Charlie Brown teacher...
The little girl who, from the waist up, was serious singer. Waist down was uncontrolled, epileptic, jelly dancing legs...
The boy that sang with an "I'm through with this" look....
when my nephew stepped out of the choir to the front, jack and I looked at each other with "hey! He's gonna sing a solo!"
But then he kept walking, off the stage and out the door....sick
Funny. But not.
Who let the Armours in the church tonight?
Have you ever wondered what it would be like to hang out with Mary and the Angels?
Well, I found out this morning.
LOTS of giggling, drawing funny pictures, conversations about which green is better, and every few seconds a screech from an angel:
"get off my wings!"
Ever wonder what the wise men and shepherds do for entertainment?
They pluck the feathers off the irritated angel and then wrestle, trying to stick the feathers up each other's nose.
Who wrote SILENT NIGHT?
Because I highly doubt it was silent and calm with all those guests.
It was 1980, I was 7 and in the 3rd grade. The intercom interrupted Ms. Hoback as she was snapping her fingers at the class.
She looked so much like "mama" off of Mama's Family, that I thought she ruined the sitcom for me. It wasn't until years later that I realized....it was an awful show all on its own.
Ms. Hoback would snap her fingers repeatedly in situations where most teachers would use words; "stop that", "be quiet", "sit down", "no stabbing with pencils". It drove me crazy. SHE drove me crazy.
So, I have no recollection of her teaching ability.
Actually, the only things I remember were her snapping, and the large mass of shellacked fat that sat on top of the radiator, under the push-out windows. It was disgusting to see, but I could not remove my daily stare.
The intercom announced the start of a new club. GLEE club.
I, not knowing myself after only 7 years, thought it sounded fun...
Let me list the reasons why I found GLEE club one of the worst decisions I made:
1. The teacher that started GLEE club was tiny, super happy, and a hugger that called everyone "sweetie pie".
2. GLEE club was singing. A choir. A singing choir that sang bad music.
3. We did concerts in front of people....in the mall....
4. 2 of the awful songs we learned have stuck with me for 33 years....
every. single. word.
"rainbow connection" (Kermit/Muppet Movie)
"these are a few of my favorite things"
Her favorite things annoy me. Bright copper kettles? Really?
Here are a few of MAZ favorite things:
sunrise and sunset
Light summer rain
Roaring fire on a cold night
Well worn pair of old jeans
Glass of bourbon and a good book
A sweet kiss that says "you are the one"
Tasty burger and perfect fries
Quick rush of adrenaline
Red. deep, dark
Old flannel shirt
Calming Cup of coffee
To name just a few.
After 3 days of failing to complete tasks and simply just sucking at my job, I thrilled myself by figuring out how to print from my fabulous phone
AND blogging from my phone (hopefully..we will see when I push "publish")
You know if this works, I can blog ANYWHERE, ANYTIME, and ANYTHING!
I am so excited!
The beautiful blond hopped toward me and her smiling face could not hide any of her emotions. She was truly overjoyed to see me.
Her long blond hair bounced as she spun and bounced back a few steps. Before I knew it, she had hooked my thigh with the shephard's crook and was pulling me toward her.
Today was "rehearsal" for the 1st Grade Christmas play. The teachers were happy to see me. They were trying to get the "angels", "wisemen", and "shepherds" in their costumes and my Sunday Friend had other ideas for the morning.
I asked my favorite 7 year old if she would put on an Angel robe.
grumpily she stomped, "no"
Then the teacher said "What if Ms. Margaret wore one too?"
Oh, good grief, why suggest something that might not even need to be suggested!!
I sweated out the response, because even though donning a first grade Angel costume and placing my thick 40 year old self in a group of nine, tiny, 7 year old angels was a complete nightmare, I would do it for my Sunday Friend.
She dropped her head in a pout and grumpily stomped "no"
I spent the morning giving my Friend 2 choices for everything she did not want to do and standing my ground. She had to choose ONE. "NO" was not an option.
"Do you want to go in this room and color with these kids, or do you want to go in the other room and sing?"
"NO" plops in the floor
I lowered my voice and put on my expressionless, "I have no concern" face. I took her hand and in one move picked her off the floor and led her to the fish tank.
"I did not ask. Now you find 5 fish and I will choose a room, if you don't"
This confused her. She loves looking at the fish, so how was this a punishment? We named the fish, created a story and started giggling together.......while I led her into the rehearsal room.
We ended up in the corner, watching the other children. 15 minutes of her smiling at me, hugging me, wrapping her arm around my neck, and filling my heart. She listened and watched the children, saying only two things the whole time:
1. As she ran her little finger through my hair and found that it was a '2 clip day' for my curls, she said "my mommy can brush hair. You want her to brush yours?"
2. Can I see baby Jesus? I need to see his eyes.
The first comment filled my heart.
The second comment broke it.
I need to look at people's eyes when I talk to them, when I am unsure about myself, when I need to feel approval. I would give anything to look into Jesus's eyes as I beg him for help with my struggles, ask for forgiveness, or need to feel loved.
"yes, when all the kids are done, we can go over and look at Baby Jesus."
Her fingers clasped together, her eyes curved and her teeth clinched together as her mouth widened with an excited smile.
She kept her eyes on the baby doll the rest of the time.
The kids left the room and the teachers followed behind. I explained that my Friend and I were staying behind and the last teacher turned to look at us.
"Put Baby Jesus in the closet when you are done."
My Friend looked at me with worry. I whispered that Baby Jesus would wait right here in the room until next Sunday. No closet.
I would have to get her out of the room before stuffing the manger and baby in the closet with the costumes.
As the noise moved away from our room, I felt swallowed into a calm.
"Where are Baby Jesus's clothes?"
"He doesnt have any, that is why they wrap him in blankets."
We unwrapped the doll and looked at the hands, counted the fingers and smiled at each other with giggles.
We unwrapped the doll's feet and counted the toes.
"His feet are cold. Give him your scarf."
We wrapped Baby Jesus in my blue knit scarf.
"He feels better."
She grabbed the baby up in her arms, flopped herself into my lap, grabbed my right hand and placed it on her shoulder, grabbed my left hand and placed it under the baby's head, and then wrapped her right arm around my neck. We sat, wrapped up in each other, holding the baby doll.
She whispered "I like his eyes."
"yes, they are nice."
She looked at my eyes "I love Him."
Well.......shoot! My eyes welled up with tears and they overflowed to my cheeks. I smiled at my sweet friend.
"Yes, and he loves you!"
She shoved the baby toward my chest "Do you love him?"
Fighting back the ugly cry, my voice squeaked, "yes......yes, I do."
After my Friend left with her dad, I took back my scarf and wrapped the doll in all the cloths, folded it up with the manger and stuffed it under the angel costumes.
Then my dripping heart, eyes and nose ventured out of the quiet, warm and perfect room and into the loud screaming bustle of the hallway.