I have always loved Bruce Willis. I could not wait for him to find me and sweep me away. That bald head, those killer eyes, and of course....that bad boy look
scruff, tattoos, cigar, bourbon and a look that would completely melt me.
When I realized I was marrying Jeff, I was elated that I would be kissing my very own Bruce!
bald head, killer eyes, scruff, cigar, bourbon.........I could get him a tattoo later in marriage.
Over the years, I have forgotten about Bruce. I got my Jeff ....
but today as I look across the living room, I realized that what I live with, is a Zach Galifianakis.
wild beard, comforting eyes, beer.............insane
I don't let people look me in the eyes.
I feel completely exposed.
There are only a few people that I have ever been able to look deep into their eyes for long moments.
The first would be my childhood best friend. I think we had a secret conversation...telepathic...we were both strange.
Another would be my husband, of course.
Although it was YEARS before I could let him look into my eyes.
Even though we dated almost 4 years, I remember saying the wedding vows and not being able to look him in the eyes. Does that negate the vows?
Over the years, I have found those blue eyes see something I don't.
Even though I will never know what is in that brain of his, I now drink in the comfort of his eyes.
The others will stay my secret.
They would probably hate to know that I felt a common bond, let them SEE me, and what they thought was a random creepy chill feeling...... was actually them looking into my soul.
And that brings me to my final words...
"eyes are a window to the soul"
I have found this to be true....or at least into a person's motive:
deceit, fake, honesty, crazy, pain, joy, confusion, vacant
Here is what the Bible says:
“The eye is the lamp of the body. So, if your eye is healthy, your whole body will be full of light, but if your eye is bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light in you is darkness, how great is the darkness!
I have a black heart (to quote a friend of mine).
So now all of you will be staring me down.....good luck!
Jeff's parents are in town this weekend. We decided to go to the ZOO. They stuffed me in the trunk so we could all fit in one car. Unfortunately, everyone in 100 mile radius was at the zoo today. They were not letting anyone else park.
I stayed stuffed in the trunk as we ventured to Mud Island, to the river park. Unfortunately, it was closed.
I stayed stuffed in the trunk as we drove to another park at the banks of the Mississippi.
I unfolded myself and rolled out of the back before anyone could see the graceful removal.
Jeff's family searched feverishly for me........or the snacks.....we will say it was me. Jack found me. (and I found myself in his sunglasses)
After we did the Harlem Shake, we took a rest.
Jack and Max tolerated me today.
Jeff tolerated me today.
Jeff loves Memphis! Who wouldn't.......with this view.......
Max enjoyed the day.....in HIS own way.....
They stuffed me back in the trunk for us to head back to the hotel.
We were caught in traffic because Downtown just finished their St Patrick's Day Parade. Jeff was irritated with the traffic cops and began to drive offensively and became vocal with his thoughts on the cops. I decided to lay down....out of sight.
Once we survived the traffic cop fit.....
I was bored and decided to annoy my sons.
Max swam in the stinky, warm, bacteria breeding hotel pool.
Jeff helped his mother and father program numbers into their cell phones, while his brother contemplated learning to ride Jack's ripstick........I think me taking pictures discouraged him.....
We ended the evening by ordering Germantown Commissary BBQ.
Jack was interested in the straw accessible lid on the BBQ nacho cheese container.
Tomorrow, the whole family is going to Shelby Farms Park....after church.
so, if this blog was too "family oriented" and boring to the non-family readers....then you might want to skip tomorrow's post.
I don't need to watch any of the current, popular reality shows. I work in one.
This week's conversations became so entertaining that I started taking notes for my memory.
I DONT GIVE A SPIT
You must imagine this being said in a thick southern, mountain, hillbilly accent with a mouth full of dip, standing RIGHT behind me with one hand on my shoulder and the other hand holding his spit cup.......talking with the hand holding the spit cup.....me cringing at the possibility of what might splash/spray on me:
".......ahhh, that ain't nothing......(loud juicy spit)......my boy (words Im not sure what he was saying)...... I ran into the door with my head. (more crazy words).... as I rammed my toe up under the door and peeled back that nail.....hee hee hee hee (loud juicy spit that didn't quite clear the bottom lip). I was swearin and stompin....(more words and the ones I understood, i will not repeat)
He was laughing so hard he had tears.
His dip spit was so awful, I had tears.
THE POPE THAT BINDS US
The other female in the world comes rushing into my office and motions for me to take my headphones out of my ears. Wondering what was so urgent, I quickly yanked Taylor Swift out of my ears.
"We have a new pope!"
Me, confused as to why this was so urgent: "are you catholic?"
"no, I'm southern baptist"
"oh, well......who is it?"
"some old guy. isn't this exciting?!"
never being able to accomplish the art of female bonding, I stupidly responded
"um, yes...but he isn't MY Pope....so...."
"YES HE IS. He is everybody's Pope"
realizing I was lost in this conversation, I put on my female smile and raised my voice to female bonding status
"THAT is exciting?"
ONE OF THE GUYS
In a work-related conversation with several guys:
"hey, I forgot to tell you! I got my prostate examined last week!"
"Really, let me make it clear AGAIN.......I don't need to know details..."
A CONFUSING HOME REMEDY
AND with one more day left in this work week, I dare say this is the last noteworthy conversation.....
not in my presence but definitely in ear shot:
"my feet itch"
"what is that smell? your feet?"
"what? aw, naw.....I had a burrito for breakfast and pork rinds at break. something is not agreeing with me."
"you should pee on your feet, the ammonia helps."
and THAT is just a few examples of my daily dose of reality
When I walked into work yesterday, I was greeted with
"you can really wear that sweater, baby girl"
approaching me with arms wide for a hug.
I was confused as to why wearing clothes was a noted accomplishment so I dodged the hug and responded "oh yea?"
and then gave him a side five as I walked by, denying the hug.
Today, I arrive after NO SLEEP.
I was greeted by the same person with..
"heh heh heh, rough night darlin?" and then I was given a two second back/shoulder scratch.
Jeff and I do NOT have the same taste in music. AND that is saying A LOT because I will listen to almost ANY type of music....Jeff has managed to find the music I don't prefer.
Last week, I was needing to keep my brain focused on a project instead of wandering off on adventures....
I put in my ear buds and sank into music on the internet.
A couple of songs came on that I ended up REALLY liking. I found out it was one of JEFF'S.
I was a good wife and told him that I liked those songs.
Jeff hates good music and therefore misses out on FUN with me. For example, I love Maroon 5. I love to turn it up and dance. Jeff usually goes into another room or....if in the car.....pretends he is all alone and there is not a fun, exciting, gorgeous girl in the passenger seat...singing to him. ha!
I think he was impressed with me admitting that I liked a few of his songs, so he must have tried mine.......because...
yesterday, when I got home from work, Jeff was in the kitchen singing ONE NIGHT by Maroon 5. By the time I realized what song he was singing, I began to pay attention to his words.......
"I don't want to be the one to put a quarter in your eye... i.... i...."
Me: "what did you say?"
"I don't want to be the one to put a quarter in your eye...or something like that"
"no.....nothing like that....it is 'but I'll only stay with you one more night'.....what the heck is quarter in your eye?"
"like when people would die and they would put coins on their eyes"
My "Special" Rock Star....
Last year, Jeff and I took the boys on their first trip to Disneyworld.
A couple of weeks before this SHOCKING trip (because we never go anywhere unless it is to visit family), I engaged in a conversation with an older couple at church.
In my attempt to build a new friendship with this couple, I asked them about their family, life, etc.......which of course led right back to talking about me (I have a talent for that).
I told them about our upcoming trip to Disney. This 70 year old couple immediately turned into 10 year olds. They grinned and giggled and shared story after story about their Disney trips. The Disney man had the cutest grin with chipmunk cheeks and smiley eyes.....
They go every year.
They love Disney.
They stay a couple of weeks.
They love Disney.
It is the best place in the world.
They love Disney.
They wanted to hear all about our plans AND when we returned, they pounced on us to hear about the trip. I truthfully told them how my 3 guys loved it. In order to not offend, I kept my opinions to myself. AND I have avoided conversing with them about Disney for the past year!
Yesterday, I was in a conversation with another lady that has twin 15 year old girls. Her girls were upset because they were not going anywhere for Spring Break. I felt sorry for the girls until they told me that they were spending their whole week cleaning and organizing the house.
MY DREAM VACATION!
My youngest says "we never go anywhere either"
I shrilly respond "we went to Disney last year!"
picture the next few seconds are in slow motion
As my head slowly turns back to my friend, I loudly say
"i haaate dizzzneee it is theee woooorssst plaaaaacce eeeevvvveeerrrr"
As soon as the last word hit my lips and my top teeth were on my bottom lip forming the "V" sound in EVVVVER, my eyes caught someone in the background.
It was the Disney Man. His cheeks had fallen and his mouth hung open, life gone from his eyes. You would have thought I had just given him traumatic and shocking news (i think I did)
There was no way to recover. I quickly changed the subject to raunchy romance novels (logical, right?) and left the room.
HAPPY SPRING BREAK EVERYBODY!
You always know where you stand with kids.
"your breath smells"
"you look funny"
"i dont like you"
As you all know, I HATE wearing sunday clothes: skirt, hose, dress shoes
I was not made to look "nice" when dressed up. I look more like
and not even that cute
Needless to say, I wish I could worship in tank and jeans. Still wouldn't feel cute, but would definitely be comfortable!
This morning, I hit the "lost 22 pounds" mark and was able to wear my smaller sweater and skirt. It is rainy here so my hair was crazy, as usual.
By the time I got to church, I was wishing that I had not worn the smaller sweater and skirt. It didn't feel tight, but I was longing for a coat or snuggie.....a cover whole self suit.
We get to church early and I can usually sit down before the crowd arrives. I do this to avoid walking down the aisle feeling everyone looking at me.
(don't forget, everything revolves around me....even church services)
This morning, I needed to run to the restroom. When I came back in the sanctuary, it had begun to fill. I carefully walked down the long aisle hoping I did not look as ridiculous as I felt. As I entered the pew where my guys were sitting, I felt:
tap.... tap.... tap..... on my butt
I turned around and then let my gaze drop closer to the floor.
My favorite little kid in the whole church was looking up at me with his big blue eyes.
"you look beautiful today" and then he hugged me
This kid gives out hugs like candy so in the "big picture", it was just him being sweet and cute.....and his mother could have put him up to it......but for 5 seconds I felt like
but only 5 seconds because then my 15 year old leans over and grumbles....."sigh, you guys sit on the old people side of the church...sigh"
This morning I go out for my Saturday ritual of coffee and paper on porch. A squirrel, not pictured, was perched on the above limb with his hands on his hips.
I set my coffee and paper down and went back in the house for my toast.
When I came back out, there were dribbles next to my coffee mug and the squirrel was tossing leaves like he had won the lottery.
Last summer, I mowed my yard in 120 degree weather, sweated, hosed myself down and then mowed my neighbors larger yard in 135 degree weather.....while soaking wet.
I personally started steaming and smelled like a hot, wet gym floor.
Several days later, I noticed the same smell and realized my shoes, that I had worn on the mowing-in-hell day, had retained my hot, wet gym floor smell.
I washed, sprayed, washed, sprayed and eventually did not notice the smell.
Yesterday, 9 months later, I was eating lunch in my car....enjoying the gorgeous day.....and thought maybe I was rotting........
Nope, it was my shoes.
I now walk comfortably in my favorite running shoes with a thin yellow/green toxic cloud circling me.
I apologize now....... before you enter my spacial presence.
My first Tiger Basketball game of this season happened to be their last home game. I was so close I could feel the energy radiating off the players.
Yep, that is my knee. If I had moved my knee for the picture, I would have toppled down all those rows to the court.
No, I am not exaggerating, I excel at falling down stairs....long slow falls.....and I can fall up the stairs....but that is a story for another post.
No matter how tired I am, how horrible the day has gone, what wonderful thing has happened, who made me cry.....well you get the idea...
Wednesday Night Church Dinner brings me joy.
Tonight, I walked from my table on one side of the giant room to the coffee urn 12 miles away, across the room. I filled two cups up with hot coffee and turned to cross the sea of people between me and my dinner table.
"Hey sweet thing! Have you been able to sleep this week?"
I turn to see my friends mother, Mrs. R, sitting at a table of 10 people, all in their 70s and 80s.
I had told her Sunday that I am not sleeping anymore.
"Well, I had a migraine this week, so...no, no sleep."
Her husband, Mr. R, motions me over for a hug.
"Have you gotten to the point where you are sweating in bed, throw off the covers and then start freezing and pull all the covers back on you?"
I am amused that Mr. R would ask me about "hot flashes".
"No, I am not there yet. I am turning 40 this year, so I bet it is soon!"
"Hey, are you married?"
A very old lady across the table squeaks at me.
"Yes, I am." I politely walk toward the lady, with my two hot cups of coffee. I am sensitive that each person at this table may not have complete hearing (due to the amount of years they have been on this earth).
She loudly continues as her husband puts his arm around my waist.
"I heard that a good go at sex is great for getting rid of migraines. That is why I asked if you were married. If you weren't married, I would not have told you that."
I was suddenly aware that I was awkwardly close to this man, the coffee was strangely getting heavy, AND a flash of heat flushed over my face.
I stood there staring at her with the polite grin that I had fixed to my face BEFORE the word SEX came out of her mouth.
The whole table started giggling and looking at me like I was a kid.
Mr. R turned and looked up into my face with the biggest grin, "your face is really red"
I turned away from all of them and said "I think I better go back to my seat."
I heard another from the "old sex table" say
"Her husband is going to get it tonight!"
WHA.........church........... people, we are in church!
Later in the dinner, I guess I lost my mind and went back for a second cup of coffee. This "old sex table" was right next to the coffee urn.
Our church's resident Dr. Ruth grabs my arm. "so how are things going in the bedroom? Is everything working right?"
"Well, my migraine is gone."
I'm skipping the coffee next week!