As I have written before, I hate to cry. I hate emotion. However, stress makes me tearful, anger makes me tearful, lack of sleep makes me tearful....
If you know me- angry, stressed out, sleep deprived- me, then you know that I tune up to cry a lot:
Awkward facial expression
When the moment hits just right, and I can't hold the emotion anymore, I cry uncontrollably....and unstoppable.
Jeff is used to it, and as I have noted before, he asks me once if I am ok. When I say yes, he lets me cry like a baby and he gabs on about news or sports. I like the fact that he lets me be.
Today was a stressful day, only because I am stressful.
Things were frustrating-
Things went wrong-
The last few hours of work, I fought back tears. Tired. Frustrated.
I finally arrived home, gathered all my loose odds and ends out of my car and piled them haphazardly in my arms.
I reached out to put the keys in the door and.........
Let me back up about 10 years....
My sons went to a wonderful public school for 3 years and during that time, the art teacher would take their art and put it on a mug. I have kept these mugs as prized possessions for years, never using them. This year, I decided "what is the use? I want to enjoy them!"
This morning I pour my coffee in one of Jack's and head out to work. When I got to the office, I thought "hmmmmm, I would be devastated if something happened to this mug!" I left it in the car.
..........so I reached out to put the keys in the door and something slipped out of my arms.
I looked down to see my treasured mug bouncing across the porch.
Max opened the front door for me and he was welcomed with...
"Whaaaaa. I broke the mug. Whaaaaa."
I looked at his face, as mine shrunk up, reddened and released huge crocodile tears.
I loudly and uncontrollably cried like a baby. Max laughed and then hugged me and then cautiously laughed and then helped me....
All the time with an amused but worried look set in his face.
I kept crying exactly like this baby girl.
And actually, I do believe my hair was clipped back just like this two year old!
Max gathered the pieces and told me he would fix it. "Everything will be ok"
I boo hooed
I cried some more
I told him I was sorry. I was tired and could not stop.
He smiled and gave an unsettled laugh,
"I just can't tell if you are crying or faking or laughing"
We laughed and I told him how Jeff has always handled it.
"Well, I will talk about something."
A commercial for Beauty and the Beast came on...
I asked Max if he had seen that disney movie and his response made me laugh, and ended my stress release crying:
"Yes. it's that girl that becomes his slave and then she decides to love him. It's a Disney version of what I understand 50 Shades Of Grey to be."
I haven't sat in a school drop-off or pick-up line in 10 years.
.....until this morning.
As I watched the kids crawl out of the cars and never look at their drivers, I was amused.
The constant joy that poured out of them when they were six years old, now has to be milked out of them at 17 and 18.
5 & 6 year olds bounced out of the cars on testing day, at the beginning of their kindergarten year. Most mothers waved "bye" with moisture rising in their eyes. The sun was bright and warm.
I don't remember if Jack bounced out of the car with a smile or not, but I do remember, that was the last time he would have smiled in reference to school.
Jack has always hated school...
Except, the day he rode in the limo to Hard Rock Cafe because he worked hard and sold enough fund raiser crap to win the limo ride and Hard Rock party day.
But most of the time, this was his expression
Or an obligatory smile after a school party day....
This morning I woke early and dropped off my 17 year old high school junior for ACT. The test is being held in the same building I entered as a 17 year old college freshmen, for English Lit.
The sun was hiding as it cast cold dampness on the sullen college applicants.
I pulled up in the drop-off line, "wow, looks like everybody is being dropped off instead of driving themselves." Just an observation comment-
To which I received an eeyore voiced mumble-
"Yeah, nobody wants to pay to park, or walk across campus at 7:30 in the morning..."
Then he threw me a "bah! To life" look and reluctantly slid out of the car.
.......then I quickly snapped a pick before he noticed...
I am thinking he should not sign up for 8 AM classes, once he gets to college.